Why IMing on drugs is a very bad idea

I’ve already mentioned that my husband Ric is a saint. Well, I would actually put him above a saint. What do they call those? Popes? Okay, well he’s not very pope-like. That doesn’t really work. More like jesus really. But maybe there’s something in between. Someone please give me a word.

Anyway, when dealing with my recent pinched nerve and the pain, paralysis and prescriptions that came with it, it was  hard for me to communicate. Because I could lie in the most comfortable position I could achieve with my iPhone, I primarily relied on Instant Messaging to communicate with Ric. Believe it or not, I felt more fluent doing that than talking at the time because I think I was slurring my words when I talked. Turned out I was doing the same thing when I typed. The results will speak for themselves.

I thought I would share some of our conversations to illustrate why and how Ric is a substitute-word-for-something-better-than-a-saint-but-not-the-pope and why I am an utterly hopeless bitch on drugs.

Aug  16 11:53 a.m.

Me: Whats going on?

Ric: Lift not working

Me: Toouvuy weight? Yale pit saw

Ric: Jesus christ not the Yale pit saws

Aug. 17 12:43 pm

Ric: Can u hear me? How’s pain?

Apparently it took about 8 hours to hear him:

Aug. 17 8:32 pm

Me: My pills?

We had a bit of a disagreement about dispensing my medication. I wanted a kind of flow chart outlining what pills I needed to take at what time, so I would know what I was getting. Ric rightly gauged my inability to perform that kind of logical thinking or chart-looking at the time, so overruled me and put the pills I was supposed to take while he was gone into ramekins on the nightstand. I was afraid I wouldn’t know what I was getting that way and would not be able to track doing it that way. I already felt so out of control, I couldn’t handle it. Hence, my message cursing Ric, in a manner I’ve never done and hope will never do again. My only defense is that I was out of my mind.

Aug. 18 3:38

Me: Fuck u I need pills for this pain

Please to note that this was about the only sentence I managed to actually spell correctly for a whole month.

Ric: Be there 5 mins did u take codeine?

Aug 20 3:24 p.m

Me: Ntt

Ric: What?

Me: But need tkbrgvhiboo  daybijfi

Ric: One more time pop

Me: Fr jr   Too  Jgddstfbhynnjyupyrp  Can galulyc   Chab hhuuuvlllllllhinhjhtt

Ric: No more typing love

Aug 22 9:20 a.m.

Ric: Root canal starts now, see you in a few hours. Dr. Kim emergency dental 84th Halsey  Take 2 yellow pills in ramekin if needed about noon

10:44 am

Marie: K txhondep mnn I de

Ric: I’m getting root canal right now. You ok?

Me: Yss just hvaving troubltr typi Hbgp

Ric: Ok honey just rest I’ll be home in an hour or so

Me: Apple has fevioudslu rearrangedbball the kyes

Ric: Bastards!!

Aug 23 9;27 am

Ric: Did u take Meds?

Me: The little oarne and white es?

Ric: You took the ones by your bed?

Me: When they are removed from a container with out a label I’ve tolu I dislike that All I n

Ric: Yes you took right pills, oxycontin and flexoril.

Aug 23 3:24 p.m.

Ric: How u doing lover?

Me: Near. Mktdvkbb vghmjn cdcvnxxsrdiikiFirst surgical procedure on tues I can survive till than

Kidtchfexrfingvi vuurghbtuli ha getdvgoel

L

Watching tv cuz cany dew Kiss u

Mote s hatorate!

Ric: K

Me: Hateradt gggggggggggaterade

Ric: Got it first time

Somehow Ric knew I was requesting gatorade??

Aug 26 11:30 am

Ric: How u feeling

Me: I’m thinking it’s sunday

Ric: Weds

Me: Just ytook pain pill  Not doing so well

Ric: Oxy?

Me: vicpp

Ric: Vicodin?

Me: Yes

Ric: No oxy?

Me: Figured out why such trouble typing. Loat feeling in two fingers. No occx

Ric: 1 or 2 vicodin

Me: 1

After a few days of these exchanges, Ric developed magical superpowers at deciphering my code. Witness:

Aug 27, 1:58 pm

Ric: How u doin today

Me: Lying down Tried to work at computer but too paunfuuln   soon

Ric: Yeah you rest

Me: R u vknibnhnvbh o Me jhto walk oppops. Nehfkotrr vgerrambgfc?

Ric: No, you’re not expected to walk the dogs.

So apparently my texting gone wild was not limited to Ric, but provided endless amusement to my work buddies. Phoebe showed me her favorite, which she pointed out is in fact a perfect haiku:

In horriblepain 
Oxycotin not nouh 
Sleep oly escar