My Bucket DeList


ImageI keep hearing people talk about their bucket lists. Good for them. I applaud their search to cross items off their lists of things they want to do before they die.

But this post is not about bucket lists. It’s just the opposite. I’ve reached the age where I am beginning to concede that there are a number of things that are not attainable for me in this lifetime. So I list them.

Why make such a list? Because it totally takes the pressure off! Weights lift off shoulders when you DeList your Bucket. You still get that great feeling you get when you cross things off lists, even if they weren’t on your list to begin with. And you get more free time! Imagine how much time it would have taken to do those things. That’s now time you saved. That’s time for living!

So here is the beginning of my Bucket DeList. I will add to it as we go forward in these times.

1. Never climbing Mt. Everest. Yeah, that’s right. I’m never going to climb any mountain, let alone the Big One. To tell you the truth, I never had the slightest interest in climbing the world’s tallest peak. When I thought about it, I realized the only reason I could imagine for climbing the mountain would be for the view from the top. So why not cut to the chase and just fly up there in a plane, and see that view from the warm comfort inside a plane.

Even that wasn’t all that attractive a prospect after hearing my dad’s tales flying over the Himilayas as a Hump Pilot in World War II, what with all the running low on fuel and being buffeted about by winds. So maybe the best unbucket approach would be to watch a high def video of the view from the top. Yeah, that works.

I did climb one mountain in my youth because my brother wanted me to and my knees have never been the same. The view was marred by smoke from fires, so I didn’t get all that I expected. I just do not have the mountain climbing gene. I don’t begin to understand why and how there even is a mountain climbing gene. Nature is not meant to be conquered, fools! Deliberately risking fairly certain death for the adrenalin rush is not favored by evolution and it is a really stupid thing to do. Hiring local people to risk their lives to carry your gear is not courageous. It’s fucked up. It’s wrong. It makes you look like rich arrogant assholes. But maybe that’s what you’re going for?

2. Walking across America. Yeah, this sounded fun at one time. I really thought it would be cool to meet a bunch of people along the way and see the land close up and personal. But now I have rather painful arthritis in my right hip. And my back and neck have all these herniated disks so I probably couldn’t really carry my provisions. So I would have to hire local people to carry them for me and that would be fucked up and make me an arrogant asshole. So that’s out.

Maybe when the rains stop I’ll walk to and from work. That might work.

3. Reading the entire Story of Civilization by Will and Ariel Durant. I seriously intended to do this at one point in my life. All 11 volumes. Even got a set. Never read a page. Donated them to charity. Epic fail, no excuse.

4. Relearning the French and Chinese I once knew. Who was I kidding? That part of my brain is toast. Can’t even recall much of the English I use every day. Like in number 2, when I was trying to remember the name of the people who wrote Story of Civilization… I kept thinking Rousseau…no, not Rousseau, Thoreau? No not Theoreau… I had to google “civilization volumes” to get it. Turns out I wasn’t even close.

If I’m that worthless and dangerous in English, imagine how much trouble I could get into in French or Chinese. No more language tapes for me. Besides, nowadays, there’s an app for that!


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