Yes, I have been neglecting my blog. I’ve been sorting things out, settling…trying to get a handle on this new phase of my life.
Along the way I have learned what a toll waiting and uncertainty takes on me… and how big a part of my life unpredictability has been.
I remember trying to explain to Ric how I have to live soon after we met and started our “conscious coupling.” (Sorry, couldn’t resist… don’t get me started on that particular variation on contemporary culture please.)
All Blaine’s life, there has been the distinct possibility of the other shoe dropping and disaster befalling us. His shunt could stop working. His shunt (and brain) could get infected. He could get pressure sores. His pressure sores could get infected. An infected pressure sore could result in sepsis. He could die. His urinary tract infections could ruin his kidneys. He might need dialysis. He might need a kidney transplant, although I don’t know if he would get on the list.
And those are just the physical health issues. There are lots more in other categories. But this list will do for now.
The consequence is I always have to keep something in reserve. I can’t expend all my energy on anything at one time because I never know what I’ll be called on to face in the next week, or day or hour. So I can’t run a sprint that completely exhausts me, I have to hold back in case the finish line is 26.3 miles rather than 100 yards. And it might end up being more than a marathon.
Adapting to this kind of life has no doubt shaped me. For example, I look for reasons to be happy. I seek out light even in the deepest gloom. I find a lot to be grateful about in the moment. I get a lot done because I think this hour might be all I have to work on this for now. I am pretty good at keeping the big picture in mind while breaking things down into one step at a time.
But it’s also taken its toll on me. When uncertainty is at its greatest, I get stuck because I don’t know if I can plan. Well, I make a lot of lists but they don’t go anywhere. They just get carried over and grow longer. The longer they grow, the worse I feel. The worse I feel, the longer they grow.
I dither. I can’t figure out where to start, so I start pretty much everything then switch to something else 10 minutes later. I’m in a big mud hole, my wheels are spinning and I’m sinking further into the muck. I feel so unsettled.
When I have another layer of uncertainty on top of the background radiation of it that is the rest of my life, it gets really bad. This has kind of been going on in the background ever since I semi-retired. I had a plan about what I would be working on part-time, but before I could begin, it had to get funded. And that has has been my condition for more than two months. I believe it will all get sorted this next week and I will get back to my usual level of uncertainty.
And hanging on to that hope has finally given me the courage to appear here.
So hello. I’ve missed you. I hope this is the beginning of a beautiful renewed relationship.